


divisive and indecisive (what niceties?)

by Ravenesta



Series: Alexander 'National Disaster' Hamilton [4]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: F/M, M/M, Modern AU, Swearing, Texting, french bread themed sex toys, if that sweetens the pot for anyone, when will these stop being so fun to write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-18
Updated: 2015-11-18
Packaged: 2018-05-02 07:01:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5238872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ravenesta/pseuds/Ravenesta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jefferson started it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	divisive and indecisive (what niceties?)

**T JEFFS**  
So do bisexuals have sex twice a year  
or once every two years?

**A HAM**  
literally why the fuck are you even talking to me  
i get laid way more than that btw  
i get laid way more than you

**T JEFFS**  
Yeah, we know  
the whole reynolds thing made that pretty clear

**A HAM**  
oK YOU KNOW WHAT

* * *

 

**J LAW(RENS)**  
i've stopped being surprised when i wake up to headlines beginning with "secretary hamilton publicly lashes out at"  
and i'm pretty sure that's not a good development

**A HAM**  
laurens you dont know what he said  
my actions were COMPLETELY justified

**J LAW(RENS)**  
i know that you said you were gonna get him a french vibrator  
(WHICH I ONLY KNOW BECAUSE LAFAYETTE FOUND OUT AND HE'S BEEN SENDING ME PICTURES OF BAGUETTE SHAPED SEX TOYS FOR WEEKS MAKE IT FUCKING STOP)  
so as far as i'm concerned jefferson can say whatever the fuck he wants  
i love you  
but as long as im getting pictures of bun shaped butt plugs youre in the wrong

* * *

 

**ANGELICA**  
Jefferson and co. are calling for a retraction  
I know you're not going to  
(even though you should)  
and you can't delete it and pretend it never happened, because half of the internet has already screenshotted it  
So if you must stand by your (dumb) point  
At the very least, publicly apologize for 'harsh language' or something

**A HAM**  
how do u know more abt my life than i do  
youre in LONDON  
also hey go fuck your tea  
my language was not 'harsh'  
it was perfectly appropriate

**ANGELICA**  
It's called the internet, Alexander, welcome to 2015  
and you called him a 'gaudy faux velvet-clad hypocrite whose head is made up of 75% hair and 25% farmland, disguised only by the fact that his brain-to-mouth filter consists entirely of a thesaurus.'  
which, by the way, is pretty hypocritical of YOU, considering that you don't have a brain-to-mouth filter at all.

**A HAM**  
i speak only the truth, ma chere, soeur

**ANEGLICA**  
Alex, no

* * *

 

**A HAM**  
i know youre not really bothered with legacy  
mainly because your idea of success is dying peacefully of old age immediately after being reeclected for the 560th time

**BURR(SIR)**  
Alexander, please, it's 3 AM

**A HAM**  
no wait hear me out  
im kinda freaking out here  
what if i dont have a legacy  
what if tomorrow i get hit by a car  
or jefferson poisons my drink  
or theres a bizarrely specific deadly lighting strike  
i mean ive probably pissed off whatever deities there may be enough to warrant that  
still  
what if that happens and ive left nothing behind  
what if ive made no real impact???  
eventually ill just be forgotten  
the country will go on without me  
jefferson and adams will probably write everything ive worked so hard to achieve out of existence  
nobody will know my name  
thats fucking terrifying man

**BURR(SIR)**  
You've forgotten the internet, Alexander.  
If you die tomorrow, you can be content in the knowledge that your twitter account will survive you. There will always be a public record of you calling Thomas Jefferson and James Madison horsefuckers. Congratulations, that's your legacy, go the fuck to sleep

**A HAM**  
you know what  
i can live with that

**Author's Note:**

> these are so much fucking fun to write you have no clue  
> (if anyone finds an actual baguette themed sex toy p l e a se tell me im on a school computer so i cant risk looking for one)
> 
> i never said it before but now that this seems to be an Actual Thing with some Real Life People interested in it: hmu on tumblr @vicesandvipers ill scream abt hamilton w/ you
> 
> UPDATE: i will never stop being happy when i get a message beginning with 'so i didnt find a baguette dildo but i DID find-'  
> notable discoveries include [nifeandaccurate's](http://nifeandaccurate.tumblr.com/) [baguette condom (aka literally my fave fucking thing)](http://www.amazon.com/Eat-My-Baguette-Novelty-Condom/dp/B00BY3IYG4), makesomethingup's [dildo machine (aka tjeff's birthday present)](http://designtaxi.com/news/356011/Turn-Everyday-Objects-Into-Sex-Toys-With-The-Dildo-Maker/), and [shipyrds](http://archiveofourown.org/users/shipyrds/pseuds/shipyrds), who did not find a baguette shaped dildo, but did say "Also, the ancient Greeks may have used breadsticks as dildos. So really Jefferson is just upholding an age-old democratic tradition."  
> and that is literally the most beautiful fucking thing ive ever read.


End file.
